Yes, I’m on a Shakespearian roll here (see my prior post). Glad my addled brain remembers basic quotes from the canon of classical tragedy!

Yesterday, I bit the bullet, quelled my anxiety and let our nanny go. This was not an easy thing to do. First, I hate letting people down. I felt terrible – our beloved nanny, who has been with us for two years, relies on us for her income.  I think I sometimes have a pathological need not to disappoint people. Case in point: I think it took me over two months of agonizing over the decision to drop my midwives in favor of an OBGYN (who I absolutely adore.) And then I made my husband call them to let them know I wouldn’t be seeing them anymore. Oy.

Caked in sweat and hyperventilating, before our nanny’s arrival, I drew strength from my adorable, smiling mascot, B. “This is not my fault,” I repeated to myself. Not my fault that I was laid off from my prior job. Not my fault that we couldn’t afford to keep her.

So I told her. Nervous. Feeling awful.

She, on the other hand, was beautifully accepting and philosophical about the whole thing. “These things happen,” she said. Indeed.

In three weeks time, I will be an official stay at home mother. Help! I mean…I am truly looking forward to being with my darling children. Time passes so quickly, and though I do crave time with working adults, I know this will be a short-lived privilege until we decide what the hell we’re doing with our lives and whether we’re staying in Brooklyn or moving to another state….Working has been such a part of my identity, so it will be interesting to let that go and see what emerges.

Till the next fork in the road is taken, I am looking forward to endless days of showering B with kisses and hugs, picking up Finn from school, getting to know some local mothers better and just being in this unanticipated moment (withouth losing my mind!)

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